She never does nothing nice and easy

My new favorite pastime is to find musical metaphors for the behavior of my three year-old daughter. Besides being diverting, this also serves as a distraction for me from the growing level of frustration, dismay and panic I have about Seconda’s off-the-charts awful behavior. Because, really, why seek to ADDRESS the issue when you can DISTRACT yourself from it?

The other day, for some bizarre reason I was humming “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” from the incomparable Sound of Music and I realized, “Hot damn! This song is about my daughter!”

Consider:

How do you solve a problem like Seconda?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Seconda?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like SECONDAAAAAA?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

This afforded me great relief. “The problem is that I am trying to make Sec into a nun!” I thought, “when she should really be a governess!”

No, that’s not right. In any case, she is a MOONBEAM! You can’t expect a wave to stop running when she gets to the playground gate. Why not embrace the free spirit that she is? She will turn out all right. Maria did, although of course she’s a fictional character. But she did escape the Nazis, had perfect pitch and even hooked a rich guy. No need to worry!

Then a few days later, I was talking about Tina Turner to Primo (who knows why, but this is what happens with your firstborn, at least my firstborn – they indulge your grown-up subjects of conversation and even seem interested). That was when it occurred to me that my daughter is pretty much exactly like the song Proud Mary,

You know, every now and then I think you might like to hear

something from Sec, nice, easy

There's just one thing

You see, Sec never, ever does nothing nice, easy

She always does it nice and rough

And that’s what we WANT from Tina and Ike. I mean, the slow opening is great and all but it’s only because you know the fast part’s coming. Otherwise, it’d be a bust.

All of which seems to indicate that my intractable hellion is going to be great, better than great, legendary. And you should always trust musical metaphors to prognosticate.