Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Did I really leave the house looking like this?

I haven't considered myself hot stuff for quite some time and for many years now, I've been shopping for clothes at Target rather than sample sales and failing to apply makeup and often wearing the same thing for two days in a row. Still, since I had the baby two months ago, things have taken a definite turn for the worse in terms of my physical appearance. Thats a polite way to say I look like shit. Not even shit warmed over. Just ice-cold, old, decaying shit. I know I have a newborn and two other young children to care for but still a person has got to have some standards, right?

This morning, my husband let me sleep in until the glorious, amazing hour of 8am. That was stupendous. But it also meant that I had 15 minutes from the time I flickered my eyelids open to get myself, the baby and two uncooperative children dressed, fed, armed with school stuff and out the door. It was an insane race with lots of nagging and yelling and other bad parenting strategies. You can imagine what I looked like when I exited the front door. But in case your imaginations not so good right now, fear not, I will elaborate.

After I'd dropped the kids off, I ran into a Mommy friend at the coffee shop across the street from school, where I'd beelined so I could feed the baby, who I hadn't had time to breastfeed before we left. The baby didn't particularly need to eat but I needed her to eat. There's nothing like walking around town with one normal breast and one massive, rock-hard breast which is shooting milk out onto your clothes like a lacto-geyser. So there I was, nursing the baby when my friend walked in.

"I feel like I look just repellent," I told her.

"Oh you're all right," she muttered, looking away.

"Are you kidding me? I am covered in dried spit up, including in my hair whose roots are about two inches too long to be fashionable. Forget putting in my contacts - I haven't even had time to clean the spit up from my glasses. I am fairly sure I have poop on my pants - the baby's, not mine -- although at this point, anything is possible. And I have a huge glaring, sticky wet spot in front of my right breast. Also I haven't shaved my pits in like three months because I can't find a razor. And I've worn this tank top - which I bought at Walmart -- for approximately two weeks straight. I'm gross. I'm disgust myself. I am like a public health hazard at this point. You could get cox sackie from looking at me."

"Oh, come on, its not that bad," my friend laughed, "But you should know that your fly is unzipped."

I looked down. It was true.

Heaven help me.