Wednesday, June 4, 2014

10 Ways Toddlers Are Like Drunks

The wildest my Saturday nights get lately is rocking out to Wheels On The Bus with Terza while making a dinner of the raviolis she threw on the floor. Still, when I stop to think about it, my new Saturday night companion isn’t all that different from my former ones, those late-twenty-somethings clutching cocktails and shouting to be heard above the music. There are (usually) fewer F-bombs dropped and more imitations of farm animals, yes, and there’s no doubt that my current date is a helluva lot cuter than the old ones, but still, when all is said and done, my toddler, like all toddlers, acts a lot like a raging drunk. Perpend:

1. They fall down constantly

2. When they talk, it frequently makes no sense

3. They trash your house

4. They’re prone to shouting and belligerence.

5. They cry for no good reason

6. They like to pull all-nighters

7. They’re always taking their clothes off. .

8. They piss themselves

9. One minute you’re their best friend, the next, their worst enemy

10. They fall asleep with a bottle in their hands.