A Saucy Mosquito

This morning I woke to an itchy ass. Thankfully, this is not something I usually suffer from - I've got some dignity left - so I realized some foul play was involved. Indeed, a quick feel of my left butt check revealed that a mosquito had gone to TOWN there, just glutted himself, the sick bastard. Not one or two, but five different bites, and not in the hip or upper thigh region, but squarely on the ass part. And this is what I thought:

A. I'm going to look like a real asshole today trying not to scratch my ass like Homer Simpson.
B. Is it insane to take this mosquito repeatedly biting my butt as a compliment? Like, is my ass to hot to resist?
C. How did the saucy maverick infiltrate my underwear barrier? I'd like to say I wear French-cut fancy panties that basically let my whole ass hang out but its just not true.
D. It is not insane to feel flattered by the attention of a mosquito. I'll take it where I can get it. Yes, this proves I'm still hot and I've got a great ass.
E. A great ass which is now covered with large red protuberances. Which look not unlike ass acne.
F. Screw you, saucy mosquito for robbing me of dignity and my ass of one of its last remining virtues -- smoothness.

If I was single, I would've cancelled any amorous engagements until the bites went away. But because I'm married, I called David over right away, yelling, "Honey, you've got to see my ass! A mosquito's trying to cuckold you!" God, I love marriage.

Bugbusters: infommercial coming soon

Mosquitoes love me. They don’t mind that I’ve gained a few pounds since the birth of my second child; they don’t notice the bags under my eyes. To mosquitoes, I am the hottest piece of ass since Marilyn Monroe. My sweet scent draws them in and they succumb to the irresistible lure of my blood.

So it is that I have been waking in the middle of the night with wild, maddening itches that cannot be satisfied, having been devoured while I slept by those infernal bugs. I was telling Primo about it, and he, dear soul, devised a plan to stop them.

“The first thing you will need to do it get a booboo because I have a lot of booboos and mosquitoes never bite me. Then we will take some of the blood from that booboo and put in a net, or maybe a cup, yes that’s better, because the blood might leak through the net, so we will put it in a cup and then I will have to get an almost-invisible top to put on the cup which is really a trap. Spiders spin webs which are almost-invisible with their silk and so maybe I could get a spider to do it because, you know, I speak spider language. Spiders speak the same language as us except that they are so small you cannot hear them. So I will ask a spider to spin the almost-invisible top and then we will put your blood in there and the mosquito will be attracted to it like how a bee is attracted to honey and then BAM! We will close the top and he will be stuck! Then we will dig a hole and put the mosquito and the blood in the hole because you know mosquitoes will never be able to dig out of the deep dirt and we will call the invention Bugbusters. {Pause for breath] It’s a little bit complicated Mommy, maybe I should tell it to you again.”