Assaulting the Bus Driver is a Felony: in other words, he's not worth it

Primo recently noticed a sign on the bus: "Assaulting a bus driver is a felony."

Last week this made him worry I would end up in the clink.

"I am not ASSAULTING the bus driver," I whispered to him, "I'm not even insulting him -- which I have every right to, under the circumstances."

"But you're not being that nice," he whispered back.

"What? All I'm saying," I replied, not whispering anymore, "is that I am proud of my children for chasing the bus three long blocks so that this poor little baby didn't have to wait in the bitter cold and get frostbite. Sure, it would have been easier for the bus to wait five seconds so we could get on at the last stop but this way we got exercise! I just LOVE exercise!"

In other words, being toxically passive aggressive does not count as a felony.

Primo then decided to pretend he didn't know me; he probably didn't want to be considered an accomplice when I got locked up.

When we got off the bus, I took a deep breath and pronounced, "Tomorrow, we do not take the bus. Tomorrow, we walk. I don't care that is 12 degrees outside - being cold is better than me assaulting the bus driver. Because if that--" [pause while I succeed in not using the word fucking asshole in front of the kids], "if that guy makes me run three blocks in this bitter cold again with a baby strapped to my chest and two little kids in tow, there is no doubt I am going to assault him."

See, teachable moment? Know thyself, kids. Don't put yourself in situations that aren't good for you. Don't create circumstances that will result in you having a rage fit.

Instead, start a blog where you can vent and tell everyone that that uncharitable, cold-hearted, sub-human bastard of a bus driver refuses to wait the damn 5 seconds it takes for us to cross the street and get on his bus. What kind of a person doesn't wait five seconds for a woman carrying a baby and two little kids when its TWELVE DEGREES outside and they are STEPS away from getting on the bus? When you see them waiting for the light to change and wildly waving three sets of arms and yelling, "PLEASE! WAIT!" Why force a poor innocent infant to stand in the bitter cold waiting for the next bus when its just a matter of a few seconds? Delaying the schedule by five seconds is a small price to pay particularly when the alternative is going STRAIGHT TO HELL for being the shittiest human being ever created.

That is what I wanted to say to the bus driver when we got on the bus at the next stop, three blocks away. Because when the guy pulled away from the curb just as we were running up to the door of the bus, almost as if he was abandoning us INTENTIONALLY, the guy made a big mistake. He activated my vengefulness.

"Oh this son of a bitch doesn't think he's going to leave my little kids and POOR DEFENSELESS baby out here in the cold, does he? Oh, no no no no. I'l follow this mofo to HELL AND BACK," went my internal monologue, "You fucked with the wrong mother today, buddy."

What I said to the kids was, "KEEP RUNNING! WE'L CATCH IT AT THE NEXT STOP!"

And so we did, sprinting three blocks in a cold so intense Primo was panting, "It hurts my lungs, Mommy! It burns!"

I just panted back, "Don't stop! We're getting on that bus!"

And lo and behold, we made it to the next stop before the bus did. And we got right on.

I wanted to curse the bus driver old-school-style, like my grandmother would -- ala "You should be ashamed of yourself!" -- but I also didn't want to embarrass the kids. So I tried very very VERY hard to restrain my rage and just slid my Metrocard in the slot and ripped it out furiously while giving him a cold, hard stare and saying absolutely nothing. Then I took my time folding up my stroller and sat in the first seats and commenced passive aggressive public shaming. Unfortunately, I think the only person shamed was Primo: the conscience-less bus driver did not seem affected.

When we exited the bus through the front doors -- screw you, I'm not going out the back with my stroller and a baby strapped to me -- I came thiiiiiis close to shrieking at him: Have you no decency sir? Were you not born of a woman? BE A HUMAN BEING!"

But I didn't. Though I can't promise I'll succeed in restraining myself should it happen another time. Which is why for the time being, we're bundling up and walking. Doesn't take any longer, really, and it made help me avoid life imprisonment.