Wednesday, July 24, 2013

3 kids, 10 hours in the car: how to survive

Oh, I hope the title of this post didn't lead you to believe I was going to dole out advice on the subject of all-day road-trips with a clown car full of children. Au contraire. I'm looking for advice. We leave for North Carolina in a few days and my ideas, thus far, about how to avoid total insanity on the trip there and back include the following:

Sedatives -- for me or for the kids. Not for David, since he's driving the whole way.

Alcohol  -- for me, not the kids, or David.

Noise-cancelling headphones, for me, and the kids, and the baby. Not David. He needs to keep his wits about him, he's driving.

If you've discerned that David is totally screwed in this equation, you are correct. That's why I'll have to make it up to him when we reach NC, which is why I'll need my sanity intact. No one wants a person in the midst of a nervous breakdown doing them sexual favors.

What else?

Oh, video games and movies. Video games and movies non-freaking-stop. I'm going to let those kids gorge themselves on video games until they look up from the Ipad and ask if they can get a texture pack for the backseat of the car and hallucinate candy dangling on ropes which they must cut at all costs at the rest stop. They will feast on movies until they are shocked that the world around them has three dimensions instead of two. Millions of their brain cells may perish. They will lose precious IQ points and may forget how to read. That is the price of driving to NC. And I accept it.