Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What's in a ringtone?

Comes a time in every woman’s life, she needs a new ringtone.

My current one – “Lady Madonna” – was no longer doing it for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love hearing Paul McCartney singing about me, children at my feet, wondering how I’ll manage to make ends meet. But after a few months, one needs a break, even from the Beatles.

So with my techno-saavy sister back in town, I had an opportunity to make some changes in my ringtone life.

We spent an hour scrolling through her iTunes library, and only got to “G.”

“I can’t take this anymore,” I protested, “I don’t even recognize any of these bands.”

(And while we’re on the subject, is it a crime that I can’t tell the Black Keys from the White Stripes from the Flaming Lips? I think they should all conjoin and call themselves the Flaming White Keys.)

But we preserved through “H” and I called off the dogs.

“That’s it” I shrieked, “Perfect,”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded, feeling very satisfied with myself.

And so it was that the next morning, while hosting a playdate, my phone rang and the whole room was treated to a rousing verse of “Celebrity Skin” by Hole.

“When I wake up in my makeup

It’s too early for that dress

Wilted and faded somewhere in Hollywood

I’m glad I came here with your pound of flesh

No second billing, ‘cause you’re a star now

Oh Cinderella, they aren’t sluts like you ----“

And that’s when I decided to change the ringtone. I mean, its just a matter of time before Primo asks me what a

“slut” is, and then what the hell do I say? Not the kind of gender roles I’m striving to impart here in the old homestead.

And really, when you get right down to it, its been a long time since I woke up too early for these sweatpants.