There’s an elephant in the room readers. I think you know what. It’s the second week in September. My son will be turning 5 this year. The elephant in the room is
Kindergarten.
It’s happening. This week. Lord help us.
“So I hear you’re starting school next week,” said my cousin to Primo.
“Yes,” he replied, “I’m a nervous rex.”
“Don’t you mean nervous wreck?”
No, he informed her. A Nervous Rex. It’s a Garbage Pail Kid.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you, guys. The kid’s not happy at all. He does not want to go. He’s panicking. I don’t know what he thinks happens in Kindergarten but it must be bad because he will sing loudly to blare out the sound of the word whenever I mention it to him.
“It will be just like your old school for the most part,” I reassure him, “You’ll have a cubby where you put your stuff and there will be colored pencils and crayons and Legos and blocks. I think you’ll like Kinder—“
“JOHN JINGLE HEIMER SCHMIDT!” he yells.
So I bought him a special lunchbox with aliens on it and a new spooky T-shirt for his first day and I stocked up on his favorite monster action figures so my bribery arsenal would be full.
On the bright side, he’ll have a good friend in his class with him. “A childhood friend,” I told someone the other day. They laughed. He is, of course, still a child. But it’s Kindergarten, man, public school, the big leagues. My baby will have to wipe his own butt. God, time flies.
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