In my whole life, I never heard of something like that

I’ve always had conflicted feelings about New Year celebrations. On the one hand, I like to party. Champagne is my all-time favorite beverage. I love fireworks. And being the meditative woman I am, I enjoy reflecting back on the year and committing to promises for the year to come which I have no real intention of fulfilling.

Yet I never want to go out on New Years. Even before the kids and the challenge of finding a New Year’s sitter, Dec 31^st was the one day of the year I didn’t want to be at a party. So it has actually come as a relief to have so many good excuses not to pay $150 a head at some restaurant or attend a dinner party with a bunch of people I don’t really know or (worst of the worst) brave the frost and the freaks at Times Square.

Now we stay in on New Years, have a few friends over, watch the ball drop and get in bed by 12:15.

Either that or we go to my parents.

Going to my parents is considerably less enjoyable than staying home, usually, but much more exciting. You never know what kind of throw-down’s going to unfold, although it’s a good bet it will feature my mother. Also, their apartment has a stunning view of the fireworks from Tavern on the Green. Also, they import my grandmother in to cook the whole thing – riceballs, homemade pizza, manicotti, roast pork, vegetables doused in garlic, the whole kit and caboodle. So there’s that incentive.

This New Years at my parents was pretty tame, actually. Red wine had a sedative effect, and all was peaceful around the table. You know it’s a good meal when my grandmother starts making dirty jokes.

Yes, the highlight of New Years was listening to my grandmother talk about women with two vaginas.

Don’t ask how we got started on it. I think it began with general pregnancy issues, then we got onto women with half a reproductive system, and then it was only a hop skip and a jump to women with two uteri and of course, two vaginas.

“Dio mio!” my grandmother said, “Never in my whole life I ever hear about something like that!”

She pondered a moment, and the offered this: “A woman like this could have two men – one for the weekends and one for the week! And she wouldn’t be cheating!”

It was a real Hallmark moment. Almost as memorable as what Jennifer Lopez wore for her Times Square performance. David thinks it was a costume from Cats: the musical. All I have to say is I think J Lo’s New Year’s resolution should be to fire her wardrobe manager.