If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say . . .

Then don’t say anything at all.

This is my new motto with Seconda who has become, I have to confess, outright hostile to almost everyone she encounters – strangers, friends, people in authority, her family. If someone in the elevator says, “What a beautiful hat!” she will say, “No! You can’t say that!” If a friend's mother says “Hello!” she’ll reply, “I don’t like you.” We’ve moved way past “Go away!” in terms of rudeness. And the worst part is, of course, my SEARING embarrassment because people must think I’ve raised her to act this way.

But I realized yesterday that my daughter is not the only one in our family who needs to learn a lesson about tongue-biting. I will now relate to you a one-hundred percent true and un-exaggerated list of remarks my grandmother made in the span of one hour:

12:27pm:

“Dio mio! This house is a pigsty! I don’t know how you people live like this!”

12:45:

About the new photo of Seconda I’ve hung on the wall:

“What a terrible picture. She’s so gorgeous! Why don’t you ever have a nice picture of my poor baby!”

12:54:

About the new, expensive curtain we hung up on the kid’s Maxtrix bunk beds:

Her: “Why you hang those things up? I think the baby’s gonna feel suffocated.”

1:15:

Her: “You husband came to my apartment yesterday after he did his exercise and he was wearing these little itty bitty shorts and – Dio Mio – I was worried! I say to myself,‘These are Nicole’s shorts! Why he dressing in Nicole’s clothes? Something wrong with him?’

Me: “Those are biker shorts, Nonnie.”

Her: “No, its impossible a man gonna wear something so tight!”

1:23:

I see that a dress Seconda is wearing is looking a little tight so I remark: “Wow, that dress is almost too small on her.”

My grandmother says, “Don’t worry, You’re gonna lose weight.”

“Non!”

“What? You said you pants are too small and I’m telling you they gonna fit you again one day!”

“Ok, that’s it, Nonnie. You know what I’m gonna have to do now? I’m gonna have to write a blog about you.”

“Good. I’m gonna write a blog about you too.”